Emotional vomit.

[Seiren]

Im sorry about this, please bear with me but I honestly need to ramble. Dont feel like you have to read this and if you do, please tell me what an idiot I am. Got it? Okay.

EDIT: I had to put this somewhere, I need someone to tell me to grow up or something. This is the only place on the net where my irl friends dont look, and I know if they saw it they would know who I was refering too. They dont know. I dont want them to know. I feel so guilty and crap and ... well, kill me please.

I saw 'him' today. My best friend. You know, the one ive been worried sick about, so much so that I havnt been sleeping well because he completely deserted me. Im the only person who noticed, turns out. He didnt expect me to worry so much. He said 'I didnt think you cared enough to feel that way.' He just doesnt understand. Its far more than that. I dont just get worried, I get sick because I need to know he's okay. I dont like feeling helpless, and thats how I feel when he isnt around. Im dependant on him. Its pathetic and I hate it. But its true.

Thing is, I dont realy trust people at all. I class very few people I know as 'friends' and even those few that I care about dont know anything about my past or my feelings. I just dont tell people in real life whats going on inside my head or my heart. But when I met 'him' I couldnt help myself. From the moment I let him he kept invading my brain despite me trying to focus on other people. So I gave in to temptation and began to confide in him. Thing is, it went too far for me. It isnt just about trusting him anymore, its about him being the only person who understand me. My boyfriend doesnt understand me at all. He tries too, but in the end asking me 'whats up' every two second doesnt exactly help me or help him understand what im thinking. I just need a ten minute long hug, silence, the sort of relationship where he just knows im upset without asking. Thats what I have with 'him'.

Anyway, he told me he needed to talk with me. I didnt know what to expect but maybe I got my hopes up too much. Turns out he 'loves her too much' and doesnt want to join the navy afterall. His girlfriend, that is. I had to sit and listen, and like a best friend I did just that. I like being there to listen, I like being there for him. Its my only use, he doesnt need me for anything more than that. At least this way I can be there, instead of being nothing to him. But after he tore me up he made it worse. I was hugging him on the beach (we always end up on the beach, for hours and hours we've just hugged and sat silent, we don need to talk to be happy or to have fun) and he said something that burnt.

'I wish I was in love with you. Why didnt I fall for you, instead of her? If I loved you, you would've told me how stupid I was and that I should go to the Navy regardless. Why didnt you make me love you?'

I didnt know wether to smile or cry, so I did what I always do. Laugh it off, he probably knew I was being fake and brushing it off like it was nothing, I know he saw the tears in the corners of my eyes. I blamed the sun for making them water, but im sure he understood. I just said 'I cant make you love me.' What I didnt say was, if I could, I would.

He knew I was upset, he asked me why I was avoiding eye contact. He didnt force me to say anything, he wouldnt do that. All I could say was 'It doesnt matter, its nothing you can help me with. I cant ever tell you whats wrong.' Its th first time ive not been able to confide in him. I hate it, yet I cant tell him. How can I? How can I sit there and tell him that I hate it when he talks about her, when I smile and say 'I want to meet her', what I mean is, 'Leave her and come to me'. Everytime he goes through a rough patch with her I ecretly want them to break up, yet I give my advice and get them back together. Thats what friends do, and thats all I am to him. A friend. But at least im his best friend. That counts for something.

Right?

[Nina]

Okay, this is going to be harsh, but I do mean it in the most loving way- you made the a big mistake in not telling him all that.

Reading this, and knowing how it feels to love someone like that, I can understand why you didn't tell him. But you need to. Write a letter and mail it, an email and send it if you can't say it out loud to him. If you have to- get a singing telegram! He deserves to know if he said what he did, and I'm sure he's guessing at it right now. Define it for him, some how, any way possible. Give him the link to your post here even! Even if you don't end up as a couple, tell him the truth so he doesn't accidently hurt you later. Please try, even if you aren't succesful.

[→izzehkins←]

okay, i know this is late, but i wanted to put in my two cents anyway.

First of all, Nina's absolutely right. You have to tell him. Not only will he hurt you if you don't, but it's just gonna build up inside until it kills you. I'm speaking from experience. I've been through a situation like this, and even though he says he's sorry, he hasn't changed a bit and he still has no idea why what happened happened.

Second of all - and i don't mean this to insult you or hurt your feelings - but he's not worth it, it seems to me. He blames you for not making him love you? That's bullshit. I know that you can't change how you feel. Again, speaking from experience.

I hope that helps, Sei.

[Seiren]

<sup>Izzy; He doesnt blame me at all for not making him love me, he was saying it in general, but it hurts. You see, he has a problem involving his girlfriend and the navy and having second thoughts joining because hes so frikkin' in love with her. He said he wshed it was me, not her, because he knows I would tell him to go anyway whereas she probably wont. Either that or he ment he wouldnt love me as much as her an wouldnt have them thoughts anyway.

Thankyou both. I told him I needed to talk and hes letting me do it in my own time though im sure he knows what I mean.

As for my current boyfriend - today he took me out and rambled about stuff. It annoys me whe he assums stuff about me and says them outlouad. Todays words from him were 'You like me, so its fine as it is, but I can feel your starting to form an emotional attachment to me and its nice, even if its not like you to do that.' Firstly, I no longer (or maybe never did) have any real feelings for him other than friendship. Second, he knows im closer to my best friend. Thirdly, I told him I do not hav an emotional attachment at all so he was speaking utter bull but he didnt listen to me and thought I was being shy or something. GAH. Thing is, as much as he annoys me, I cant hurt him because he is so lovely, but I cant make myself love him. Its hurting me and he just doesnt realise that I am not happy.

Love sucks.

No matter how nice the guy, you cant force feelings. And at the same time you cant help who you do fall for. I want to be single. Its easier to have little flings than this sort of hassle. T_T;;


thankyou, guys, <33333 it means alo to me that you are helping and im definatly keeping both comments in mind.</sup>

[Nina]

I'm glad we were both helpful. I know love has it's prablems and sometimes they don't seem to be worth it, but eventually everything gets better. Time and doing your best. I'm also very gald you're going to talk to him. Maybe a note and you have a friend deliver it?

And as far as a guy being "not worth it", it sounds like your bf isn't worth dating. T_T He sounds like a conceated little brat to me, in all honesty. Just my opinion.

[Seiren]

<sup>I know, but ive never been the dumper before D'8 plus I know he'll go back on meds (I didnt know he was a depressant until I tarted dating him, geez I wouldnt have bothered) and non of my friends know about my feelings for the other guy. Well, one person does, but she has a similar problem XD bad timessssss.

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cant i date yu guys instead plz?</sup>